Movie Review: The Warlords and 2012

End of week 4.

Sheer carelessness and overconfidence once again left me all alone to spend my weekends with the mallards and avian. I’d gone through Friday without giving a thought at all that my friends would be out of campus for the weekends. Then on Saturday, I discovered some facts and a lot more. A friend went to London, some went to Sheffield, a few went to watch football, some went for rugby, and the rest went to watch footballers play rugby.

So, with the Anas platyrhynchos still scouring for grass and weed outside, I decided to catch up with some movies. After rummaging here and there, I found two films that would suit the cold and not so quiet night (my flatmate decided to turn the kitchen next door into ZoukOut ) : The Warlords and 2012.



So, lets begin with The Warlords, or “Tau Ming Chong” in Cantonese. Chinese war movie about some dynasties in the past (Wiki says Qing, wont doubt them), starring the cool Jet Li, the cooler Takeshi Kaneshiro and the, err, quite cool Andy Lau, and the subtly pretty Xu JingLei. Its about a soldier who left the military after being betrayed by the institution, leaving 5000 of his dudes dead on battlefield. Then he joined some thugs and advised them to join the army, so that they can be bigger thugs. He then got betrayed by the institution yet again, and almost everyone relevant in the movie dies in the end. Winner of, amongst the many, Best Film and Best Actor award. Mind you, they had 2 nominations for best actor. That’s how good the movie was. Until I watched it.

Let’s talk about the good sides first, as I don’t want to give you the negative image as yet. The war and fighting scenes were excellent, and the cinematography used was unusual compared to other war epics such as Red Cliff (1&2). The usual SS (stab and slit) was present, with the lead actors killing their way to victory. But what caught my eye was the way the director focuses more on the ‘unknown’ soldiers, rather than just making the lead actors look invincible. Peter Chan, the man behind the scenes, had made the side casts feel more integrated into the plot, rather than just, well, side casts. Whereas in Red Cliff, the generals and ministers didn’t even bother about the small ones. Here, I like the scene where Andy Lau begs for food from the ministers, and subsequently distributing the buns to his people. Doesn’t seem like much, but not often seen on other movies either.

Also, I liked the thought-provoking idea of a man with his principles. Jet Li strongly believed that all the villagers should be left untouched, while all soldiers must be killed. Again, doesn’t sound like much, until you see Andy being chained to the pillars while screaming not to kill the enemies who surrendered. Jet insists that if they keep the enemies alive, his soldiers will have to share the food with the other useless squirrels, while Andy thought it was inhumane to kill them because they surrendered. But Jet then said that, if they chose to be in a war, they chose to kill, and be-killed, so to speak. Both sounded logical and sensible at the same time. And that really made me wonder, if that happens to some pitiful chap in real life, how on earth is he going to solve it.

The negative parts (though not as negative as the next review) is just my opinion on how to make this movie better. And all I’d like to say is: the plot is too thin. Even kids with an IQ of -24 can tell that in the end, who dies and who doesn’t. The idea of betrayal is just too obvious. Then, there isn’t much depth in the dialogues, not like in Red Cliff, where the generals talk over coffee, or tea, on the strategies to attack the opponents and they draw it on maps and this makes you think if its viable or not. Here, it’s just showing the old, wrinkly imperial people BS-ing with Jet and Andy, and that’s really annoying when you start to see those antique beings as people sitting behind cashiers and registers. You know what I mean, thinking that you are a yob, a nutter who can’t speak English, an idiot who has to pack your own groceries, those sort of stuff.

And the budget. US$40 million. Microscopic by American standards, and especially the next movie. But the relatively big budget is not reflective of some core parts of the movie: to make the movie look good. Look at Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, with only US$15 million to play with, and they make people fly and mixing subtle soft focus and deep colour contrast with intense er-hu music. And Red Cliff: US$80 million, which in coins will fill up my whole flat with change to spare, and once again, spotted with soft, slow close-ups on the magnificent Lin ChiLin. And lets not forget the part where the camera chases the pigeon at the end of Part 1, and you can indulge yourself at the immense detailing of each and every vessel of the enemies. Here in Warlord? The only entertainment the lead actors get are some cheap looking opera at a run-down restaurant. No ladies in silk dancing away, no talented old lady singing and playing the er-hu. Which is the total opposite of The Banquet: undisclosed budget, but in SD format, looks as vivid as HD, and hence freaking beautiful to watch.

All in all, it left me a little disappointed, though I had high expectations for it. But a good, thought-provoking movie altogether, which can’t be said for the next review.

2012. Which in my language, would probably mean “I have really low expectations for it, and the good thing is, it was fulfilled.” And I’m forced to tell you all the backside, opps, bad side to it first because you’ll have to give me some time to think about something that hasn’t gone wrong with it.



First, the graphics. I thought it was forgivable, since I was watching it in Flash. Then I saw the earthquakes and splitting roads and I thought they made the movie with Microsoft Paint. The limo was stupid, the drive through the collapsing glass building was stupid, the Bentley spinning on the ice when it leaped off the plane was stupid, and the arcs were incredibly stupid. When the limo made the jump, the passengers at the back felt nothing. Lincoln suspension technology at its best? My foot. Then it crashed into the glass building, and while in there, the building seemed to stop collapsing. And there were no one in there, no tables, no chairs, just some paper. Maybe they drove through the income tax department? And the Bentley defied the laws of physics, and created its own, that is “if thy moving object falls on ice at the speed of sound, thy shall spin one round and stop, and not damage any bumpers or destroy any wheels in the process.” Hilarious. And finally the arcs, and I said finally because I won’t go any deeper with the graphics or I will go on for months, is that it left the Tibetian mountains through a hole less than the quarter of the height of the hills. And crashed into Everest looking about half the height of it. Did the water that entered inflated it?

And then there’s the sheer un-common sense of some things. In 3 years, Mr President Obama will turn from a 40-ish year man with 6 packs and white teeth, to a 70-year-old with alarmingly receding hairline and a water bed under his shirt in the movie. Doesn’t make any sense at all to me. I mean, if they want to make it as real as possible, then go all the way. And his daughter really grew up in the 3 years.

Then there’s the free riding problem. Yuri and the Gang paid a billion Euros per pax for a cruise round the Everest Sea (huh?) but those Chinese builders and a few thousand more dudes (where did they came from? How did they know about the secret project?) that were hanging around the dock could board for free. Talk about first come, last serve. Like Nando’s in Birmingham.

There’s also the cleverness of Dr Satyam, the dude who lives right above the most unstable part of the planet, containing active plutocarbohydranikejenifferpotatosmiroffbananapinkpanther matter which would cause earthquakes and sinking land mass. And is more worried about the safety of Americans than his family above. AND whose house is the only place on earth not hit by an earthquake. But a tsunami. Crikey. And did you notice him and few thousand people trekking as the arcs were closing? Guess where they’re going? You’re right, I have no idea either.

But there’s some wit to the movie, I suppose. Like how Professor Adrian said, “This room could fit 10” when he was butler-ed to his cabin aboard the, I dunno, HMS INTERNATIONALLE FREAKING EXPENSIVE CRUISE TRIP, but didn’t tell the captain so, and instead just asked so that those Chinese engineers be invited to the loading deck. He’s smart, I can tell, cos if David Hasselhoff landed in his room, he’d have to spend the night picking up burgers from the carpet.

Dr Gordon was a genius too. ‘The Breast Guy’ at day, the ‘Pilot who only had an hour of lessons and then could fly the largest Russian airplane’ dude by night. Speechless.

Also, I suppose these guys are all used to the cold, as they could just walk in the freezing cold in Tibet wearing nothing but a coat for Curtis, Bermuda shorts for Dr Gordon, t-shirt and some fancy hat for the kids, sleazy Tamara, Yuri’s chick wearing her dog and Yuri himself, forever in a coat and tie, whether he’s waiting for the landing gear to repair itself, or when he’s launching his kids into the air.

So, what was enjoyable in the movie? Well, I found this movie quite hilarious, actually. Like the guy who was supposed to be Arnold Schweazzehaihfiafiger quite funny, desperately copying his accent. Or how the software on the arc was not written in Chinese, given that those guys built the thing. Or how is it ever possible that even after the worse volcano eruptions the world has ever seen, the skies were still as clear as Lithuania. When scientists used to say that dinosaurs were possibly killed because the blanket of ashes stuffed their noses and turned them into what’s known today as Shell V-Power. AND, AND, how a stupid power drill can stop a potential 10 tonnes of arc door from closing. I mean, did you see the size of the gears where Gordon became minced meat? They were huge!

I could go on and on with this also, but just one question before I end this post. Notice that the Chinese Premier was nowhere to be seen? I dunno, maybe I just overlooked. But assuming that he wasn’t there, could it be that he was already launched into outer space with a Chinese-made space shuttle and the Taikonaut at the wheel together with the whole parliament and their families? And leave the Americans and the stupid rich people to take the plane and transit and transit again and queue up to get into arcs with the waterproof properties of a copy of The Star? I mean, this is what people should be thinking of, not “Oh, in the future only China can save the world, they have the capabilities” and stuff like that.

Long post, apologies for that if you want some. Take all the time you need in this world to read it.